


I'll go ahead

by orphan_account



Category: Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-06-15
Updated: 2008-06-15
Packaged: 2017-10-11 16:18:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/114283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account





	I'll go ahead

Susan is flattered. If she could think of another word for the strange sensation in her chest, she would, but there is nothing.

Caspian watches her like she's a wondrous flower of the kind he has never seen before, and maybe he hasn't. Maybe there are no girls like her in Narnia, or maybe it's because she's a Queen of Old and that makes her interesting. Or maybe it's just that she's pretty and he likes to look because she's pleasing to the eye. It's flattering, everyone would admit.

It makes her uncomfortable.

Susan knows it's strange but while she likes him, it's not in the way he maybe, probably, possibly wants. He's handsome, but not quite handsome enough. He's smart, but not quite smart enough. He's nice, but she doesn't want nice, she wants - Susan doesn't know what she wants from a boy. Maybe she doesn't want a boy at all. Maybe Peter has forever ruined her for boys.

Or maybe she knows what she wants, but knows she can never have it.

It doesn't matter. She is flattered, she really is, but she wishes Caspian would stop looking. She has given him a kiss, a quick one, because she thought it might help; it didn't. She likes kisses, but she would like them more if they were with someone else.

There isn't much time now that the war is over; they only have a few days before Caspian is crowned and they have to leave. She knows they will have to leave Narnia. She's not a stupid girl, she can feel it in her heart, the knowledge that Narnia is bidding them good-bye. This time, there will be no years of growing up - not for a second time - no years of getting to know each other, their bodies, their minds, no years spent lying in the gardens of Paravel with Peter's head in her lap, his mouth opened a little, breathing in quietly as he sleeps with her fingers stroking his hair. Her heart aches, that's what she feels. That's what she's always felt.

Caspian watches her, watches her sit beneath a dancing tree with her face in the sun, then someone comes up behind him, and Susan can see Peter's golden hair glint in the light as he puts his arms around Caspian's waist. She can't make out their expressions, but she smiles anyway, because she's always known that's why Peter doesn't look at her. He tried very hard.

She remembers his lips against her ear, his intake of breath and her own smile, pained, but not heartbroken, never heartbroken, because at least he loves her. She remembers saying, "It's okay," whispering it in the dim light of their room as they lay in her bed, curled around each other in their beautiful clothes, rumpled and full of wrinkles from seeking hands. She remembers saying, "You don't need to be ashamed. As long as there's love, what does it matter?"

Because it's true, and also, it's what she's been telling herself since she became conscious of his shining blue eyes.

 

~*~

 

"She's beautiful," Caspian says, staring down at her from his window looking out into the gardens.

Peter tightens his hold. "I know."

"She's not -"

"I know." Peter smiles into Caspian's hair and kisses the back of his head. "Don't," he then adds. "Don't do this."

"She loves you," Caspian says, because he always says things, and Peter winces, because he never does. Some things, he's learned, don't need to be said. Some things are better left quiet, because they hurt too much.

"I love her, too," he replies, finally, hard, daring Caspian to reply. His hand is flat on his abdomen on top of the leather tunic Caspian is so fond of.

Caspian turns in his grasp, strong, young, black eyes huge and his lips are reddish as he stands up on his toes and presses his lips against Peter's. The kiss says "I know," louder than words could have.

Peter will never say "I love you" to him, because then Caspian will know they have barely a week and that's too little to grow into the kind of love Caspian desires, the kind of love Caspian needs from him. If he says it, Caspian will know they'll never see each other again, and Peter can't let that happen. They have a week. It's days of happiness he can give Caspian. Sometimes, there is a strong burst of protectiveness in his chest that drives tears into his eyes and he thinks he will break on the knowledge that he will, in the end, bring Caspian more pain than pleasure.

But he hopes not. He hopes the sacrifice of not saying it will be enough.

He pushes Caspian back on the bed, draws him out of his clothes and makes love to him, slow and breathtaking and complete. Peter knows Aslan has given him this as a gift. He's grown-up now, and so is Caspian.

It's the biggest irony of all that if he hadn't fallen for his prince, he could have come back. But Caspian will never know that, either.

 

~*~

 

There is hope. There is hope, because when Peter crosses through the portal into the train station that is cold and empty and void of feeling, he senses that it's not the last time he will ever cross a portal. And when the time comes to do it again, he will be ready. They can wait. They've waited a thousand years before. Destiny's not cruel enough to keep them apart forever, after waiting so long to have them meet.

Until then, he has Susan's hand. She smiles at him, knowingly. Peter smiles back.

 

~*~

 

~~ _written in June 2008_


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